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Should I be upset if my husband watches porn?

If you've come across this page, I'm sorry.

The question you're having to ask is, quite frankly, heartbreaking. And it doesn't really matter whether your husband is openly watching pornography, or you simply uncovered a secret.

Moreover, I'm assuming you are upset but also questioning whether that's a valid response.

Not only is it a valid response, but it's necessary.

It should absolutely, 100 percent upset you, if you find out your husband is watching porn.

In fact, most wives would not only be upset, but would be emotionally crushed.

Read more: Does porn ruin relationships?

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Faithfulness in a Marriage

I don't know what your belief system is in terms of religion or worldview, but I'm willing to bet that you believe marriage should be exclusive and closed. In other words, you are not part of an open marriage.

If you were, porn wouldn't really matter.

But I'll assume that both of you (husband and wife) expect faithfulness and exclusivity from the other.

And if that's the standard, you should view pornography as a breaking of that faithfulness

This doesn't mean it's as severe as actual adultery, but the emotional components, mindset, and drive are all exactly the same.

The fundamentals are mirrored.

So not only should this upset you, but it should - and does - break relationship with your husband. Since you are the one that has been sinned against and disregarded, there is relational separation until your husband can realize that he has hurt you, that he is in the wrong, and that he must ask (perhaps plead) for your forgiveness.

The betrayed must bear the weight of the betrayal.

At that point, relationship can only be restored if you, the betrayed, bear the weight of the betrayal.

Because that's what forgiveness is. The hurt doesn't just go away because someone says "I'm sorry" and the other person sucks it up.

The betrayed must bear the weight of the betrayal.

Only then can relationship be restored.

And that's exactly what a husband looking at porn is doing. He's betraying his wife, willingly. If you know that's happening, it should definitely be upsetting, which is a very mild way of putting it.

Porn is designed by, and for, men

Pornography has been designed for one purpose: To allow men to do what they want without any consequences.

All of the movements aimed at rejecting traditional values are for that purpose.

It's always about letting men have their way without having to be accountable for what they do wrong. 

In many ways, porn is the nucleus of that movement, piping an endless stream of content into homes and marriages that are otherwise healthy and thriving. This means that it's doing damage to the man as well as the woman. Though you (the wife) often end up paying an even heavier price because the man's compulsions are being enabled and even encouraged.

So even if you don't have a moral quandary with porn use, know that its intentionally designed to be harmful, especially to the relationship between a husband and wife.

Read more: Side effects of porn use

Fake women replace real women

There are so many issues with porn and what it does to the reward center in our brains. I won't get into all of it here, because I've done that in other places. This article is a good place to start for more detail.

But the short explanation is that watching porn pumps out so much dopamine that the "standard" for your reward center gets higher. And continued porn use leads to a man being less interested in real women (you) than he is in the videos and images.

In fact, even the women that are featured in that media, cannot themselves compete with the images they create.

In other words, images and videos are replacing you.

Again, this is very much a cause to be upset.

You're valuable

As a woman and a wife, you are incredibly valuable.

When a husband stops valuing you, that should bother you, a lot. It's right and good that it bothers you, so don't let anyone tell you "it's no big deal" or that "you shouldn't worry so much about it."

That's completely wrong.

It absolutely is a big deal, and you deserve better.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry that you had to search for this in the first place.

But please, remember that you are valuable, and don't give up.

More Resources to Help You Stop Using Porn

Author

  • Adam Grainger

    Adam is a software engineer with experience in blocker software and VPNs. He has helped produce software and written content for a number of churches and organizations to help people stay focused and have a better experience online.

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